his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
