There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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