The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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