operation harelip BJ is a go
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
