Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
