Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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