Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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