That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
