the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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