I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
