I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
