I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
