boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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