Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
