she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
