and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
