I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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