Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
