I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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