Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
