I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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