Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
