Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
