Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
