We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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