About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
