She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
