whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
