I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
