Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
