My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Come see our sink grown plant.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
