Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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