this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
