The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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