1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize