i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
