Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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