I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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