i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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