chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
