I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
