im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
