I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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