oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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