Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im holly from the hills drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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