I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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