At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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