you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
