His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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