Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
