I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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