ya dads aren't the best wingmen
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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