Im at strip club and am horny
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I need a beard to bite.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
