apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize