Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
