I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
