If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
