STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
