im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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